Apologies if you tuned in this week looking for a Kabuki story. It’ll appear eventually.

If you live in Japan long enough, it is inevitable that you will eventually be invited by some Japanese girl to Tokyo Disneyland. There’s a strong possibility that you won’t even know her.

Yes, it seems that the Japanese like nothing quite so much as getting touched up by a man in a mouse costume. Being the cynic that I am, I find Disneyland offers all the expense of a good colonic irrigation, without any of the charm.

There are some things about the place I do like though. There are a couple of fun roller coasters. I must confess I have never felt quite as nauseous as I did at Disneyland.

Admittedly that had nothing to do with the roller-coasters…

The Japanese Disneyland is apparently a carbon copy of the one in the States, a fact which doesn’t stop the Japanese from going to that one as well.

Let’s go over some of the rides on offer:

IT’S A SMALL WORLD (A.K.A. Everyone else is a wicked Gaijin)

Grotesquely disproportionate mannequins sing hideously at you as you take a boat ride. Each figure displays grossly over exaggerated stereotypical features. The Eskimos live in igloos. The Australian Aboriginals have big red lips and hunt koalas in trees with boomerangs.

This ride is particularly hilarious in the homogenous context of Japan, where 99% of the population are Japanese and their exposure to other cultures extends only to the waiting staff in hotels.

SPLASH MOUNTAIN

15 hours of riding a slow boat through annoying brer rabbit animatronics culminates in 3 seconds of thrills, as you plummet from top of a mountain and a camera takes a photo of you pulling a stupid face.

Said photo can then be purchased for around $800.

ROGER RABBIT’S SPINNING CAR RIDE

Or something like that.

You sit in a cartoon styled car, which you can spin using the steering wheel. The track takes you through a gaudy cartoon world. If you spin the car fast enough, you might be able to get your girlfriend to throw up, adding to the decor.

POOH’S HUNNY HUNT

Owing to the inexplicable popularity of Winnie the Pooh in Japan, I’ve never been able to get close to entering this thing. The lines are usually over a two hour wait and, for some reason, filled with women in their mid twenties.

I feel genuinely sorry for any poor kid who does actually want to see this. Even a poorly spelled title doesn’t seem to discourage people.

Kawaii.

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN

What a great idea. Take some of the most ruthless, debauched villains in history and sanitise it into an “amusing” animatronics show for children.

Watch… the hilarious antics as the pirates, bent on savagely raping the townsfolk, are beaten off with rolling pins.

Laugh… as the pirates, imprisoned in inhumane conditions, try to entice a dog with the bone from a former comrade who excruciatingly starved to death.

Thrill… as the pirate ship attacks a fort, whose defenders continuously shoot ineffectually into the ocean.

Marvel… at the fact that in the 16th century Spanish main, everyone spoke fluent Japanese.

Yo ho ho.

STAR WARS TOURS

Before going on this ride, I believed that nothing could be more disappointing than the three Star Wars prequel movies.

I was right, but not by much.

BEAVER BROTHERS’ LOG CANOE RIDE

The most fun thing about this is the name.

Basically you ride in a canoe with a Japanese guide who tells you how to use the oars effectively. I found the most effective use was to bludgeon yourself into unconsciousness with them and hope you wake up once it’s over.

SPACE MOUNTAIN

I actually like this ride, though it pains me to say so.

BIG THUNDER MOUNTAIN

Experience the “Wild West” in the “Timid East”.

Of course Disneyland isn’t just about rides;

unfotunately.

There’s also the chance to take in a choreographed parade, eat an overpriced microwave meal or buy a graven idol of an anthropomorphic mouse.

The whole day is rounded off with a light parade. All your favourite characters appear dressed up in christmas tree lighting. Should a sudden storm hit it would probably wipe out the entire staff in one fell swoop.

Then 30 seconds of fireworks explode overhead to make you feel like you’re getting value for money. And then you can leave for home; satisfied that while everything in your world isn’t perfect, it could be much worse.

Stay Cynical,

The Cynical Traveller

Golden week is a series of public holidays in May, where the salary man can discard his 90 hour work week, and relax in the company of millions of like minded individuals.

Somehow, the population of the country seems to triple during this single week. The trains are packed, popular holiday destinations are triple booked and airline tickets triple in price.

Bearing this in mind, rather than enjoying a trip, I usually stay in my apartment and cower during this period. However, this year a friend invited me to go to the circus with her, and in a temporary leave of my senses, I agreed.

It turns out that “the circus” was in fact a theme park called “Sea Paradise”, a kind of cut rate Sea World.

Now, the Japanese love theme parks. The most popular holiday destination in the country is Tokyo Disneyland; an exact replica of a soulless, plasticine world. So, obviously, a theme park is the last place to go during golden week.

The highlight of sea paradise is a chance for people to see dolphins running wild, in their 15 foot square tank. The prized exhibit was two enormous white dolphins that had the crowds fascinated. Of course, for most Japanese people, this is one of the few chances they’ve had to see an intelligent sea mammal that wasn’t served up on a bed of rice.

Sea paradise is built on a custom made island, just off the coast of Yokohama. The theme park consists of two roller coasters, a free-fall chair ride, numerous kiddy rides, an animal show and an aqua museum.

The museum was the first thing we visited. The idea of building the theme park on an island must be particularly galling for these animals, as they are so close to escape. It is said that goldfish have a three second memory, and yet even they seemed to be bored here.

As the line for most of the rides looked like a soviet bread queue, we decided to catch the animal show instead.

The show lasted around 40 minutes, during which animals were made to imitate popular animation characters, punch footballs and dance on stools. Even flipper didn’t have to suffer the indignities these animals did. Had this been a Douglas Adams novel, they wouldn’t have even thanked us for the fish.

After the show, it was time for a spot of dinner. It was the usual theme park fare; deep fried chips and soggy hotdogs that are probably older than most of the people eating them. Prices were high, but so was most of the food.

Eventually we decided that the time was ripe to attempt lining up for a ride. After all, it was getting later and most of the kids had either gone to bed, or developed into fully fledged adults while waiting. We walked to the rollercoaster to line up. Then we walked the additional 3km to the back of the line.

Two hours later, it became clear to me that this wasn’t a line for a ride, but some kind of hideous oruborous. The man in front of me was reading war and peace; in Russian! The man in front of him was writing out his will in case he didn’t make it out in time.

Several people had set up a small subsistence farm to help them survive the wait.

It took us 2½ hours in line. I would have been extremely annoyed if my time wasn’t so worthless. The ride itself lasted about one minute. Needless to say, I wasn’t rushing to the back of the queue for another go.

So, to sum up, in 7 hours at Sea Paradise, I rode one ride, ate a shitty hot dog and saw an exploitative animal show. During next years golden week, I have decided to forego such frivolities in favour of suffering a bout of dysentery.

Stay cynical,

The Cynical Traveller