One of the difficulties in writing a story about sports day is that I am reluctant to put pictures of my students on the internet. If I do, I’ll end up getting loads of hits for “Japanese schoolgirl sports panties” and that’s really not the sort of traffic I want.

Therefore, in order to protect the identities of my students and retain enough photos to flesh out my story, I have decided to replace all visible students heads with pictures of David Hasselhoff.

So, sports day.

First things first. It is important to note that the Japanese have a slightly different interpretation of what constitutes a sport, than say, you or I.

In Australia, our school sports day revolved around athletics. The 33% percent of students who were into sports participated in a large athletics carnival. Meanwhile the 33% of nerdie kids watched and tried to avoid the attentions of the 33% of chain smoking rebel kids.

Now, the Japanese sports day has a competitive element, no doubt. The first event is even a 100 metre race. However, that is where the similarities end.

Let’s look at one of the events on offer; the bun eating race. The object of this taxing event is to run 25 metres and then eat a bun hanging from a bit of string.

Now, how many of you have ever thought, “I need to get fit. Perhaps chewing a bun will burn some calories!” In terms of physical endurance, skill and strength, running and eating a bun is hardly the height of aerobic exercise.

Indeed, I’ve prepared this simple graph to demonstrate.

Other events include a skipping rally, pushing a wheel with a stick and throwing a mini basketball. Should any of these sports become olympic events, I’m sure Japan would treble its medal tally.

Yet despite this, they still manage to have an excessively pretentious opening and closing ceremony.

Of course, what would a fun family sports day be without public humiliation and pain.

Generally the pain is reserved for the students.

I’m sure you’ve all seen footage of those Japaense gameshows where some poor contestant has his scrotum attached to a 9 volt car battery, while the host parades a series of skimpily clad models in front of him.

Or perhaps an episode where the contestant has to balance a crate of eggs on a unicycle while a midget slaps him with a fish.

Indeed, many people believe that the damning footage of torture recovered from Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, was simply the result of the security camera accidentally being crossed with vision from Japanese TV station, NHK.

While the creators of these shows have recently been convicted of second class war crimes, they will be thrilled to know that the torture continues unabated in public schools throughout Japan.

Take the following example. Everyone loves bobbing for apples, right?
That old Halloween staple, where you place a bunch of apples in water and the kids try to grab them with their teeth.

Well, it’s a great concept, with only one serious drawback. There’s very little chance of the kids choking in a debilitating fashion. So, what to do?

How about replace the water with flour and make the apple a tiny piece of candy? Genius!!!!!

So, at Japanese sports day, we are treated to the sight of 50 students covered in flour, choking, wheezing and, occasionally, coughing up blood or bits of lung.

Of course, if the students receive the pain, that leaves the teachers to receive the humiliation. And what better way to experience humiliation than to dress in a ridiculous costume?

Luckily, your humble author managed to avoid most of the unpleasantness by falling asleep in the changing room.

Stay Cynical,

The Cynical Traveller

Being a teacher in Japan sometimes has its advantages. In this case, I was advantaged by the fact that my school’s PE teacher was a professional soccer referee. He gets free tickets to all the games played in Japan. So, he asked me if I would like to watch the world cup qualifier between Japan, and soccer powerhouses India.

Now, I’ll really have to be careful not to drop any spoilers about the result here, because obviously any match involving India is going to be close.

Despite the relative disparity between the teams, I was entertained from the get go, by the fact that the Indian line up contained a man called, without a word of a lie, Climax Lawrence.

The game was being held at Saitama super stadium. This stadium was purpose built for the 2002 World Cup and has never been full since.

Being a world cup qualifier, quite a few people turned up for this match, but I’ve been here for local games where you can see tumbleweeds blowing through the stands.

Despite the fact that this game happened a year and a half ago, I will now provide up to the minute commentary on the game.

Hello, and welcome to this World cup qualifier between Japan and India. The match was unfortunately delayed when the wheels fell of the team’s Air India flight, but we’re all ready to go now.

The Japan players are on the field, warming up. They looked very relaxed. Indeed, Inamoto is having a smoke and chatting up a couple of girls in the crowd. And… yes, yes, YES! He’s scored!

Obviously football is not as big in India as in other countries, but they’re expecting good things from this team.

Ok, here come the Indian team. And… oh dear, they’re wearing cricket pads. The referee is going over to speak to them. The captain looks confused. He’s miming a few cut shots while the referee shakes his head.

They finally seem to grasp the concept and the players return up the race. While we wait, it might be a good time to update you on the history of these teams. They’ve played 45 times for a result of 44 wins to Japan, and one 0-0 draw when the game in Delhi was cancelled after the Japan team boarded the wrong plane and the Indian team were forced to play out 90 minutes with no opposition.

Ok, the Indian team are back out and play’s about to start.

1 – Near miss – Inamoto breaks through play, and passes to Suzuki who shoots just wide. The Indian keeper, Mukherjee, is wearing a look of terrified surprise on his face.

3 – GOAL – Kubo pirouettes around the defence, stops to tie his shoelaces, and hammers the ball into the top right of the net.
1-0 to Japan

8 - Crowd getting restless here as Japan have gone 28 seconds without a shot on goal.

13 – GOAL – Indian player, Ancheri, manages to hammer a shot into the back of the net. The Indian team engages in raucous celebrations, despite the fact that it was his own net.
2 – 0 to Japan

16 – Yellow Card – Indian player Naik receives a strong warning for taunting Nakamura with the “Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, What are these?” rhyme.

23 – GOAL – Nakamura dribbles a shot straight to the keeper who lets it slip through his fingers and into the net.
Dear me! I’ve seen muppets with stronger arms than that!
3 – 0 to Japan

32 – CORNER – The Indian team have earned a corner, however Singh, who seems to be struggling with the concept of a square field, has put the ball 14 rows back into the crowd. Indian captain, Bhutia, is asking for 6 runs.

40 – GOAL – Suzuki is brought down in a slide tackle and is screaming and clutching his leg. The trainer puts a sponge on it and he miraculously recovers from what must have been several compound fractures and a broken vertebrae, to unleash a 80 MPH shot on goal.
Japan 4-0

45 – 2 minutes extra time – India have moved all 11 men into defence and captain Bhutia is calling for the twelfth man.

47 – HALF TIME – Inamoto’s mum brings out some orange halves for the players.

55 – GOAL – Nakazawa flies high over the field to header Suzuki’s corner past the keeper.
Amazing leap! He must have risen to nearly 6 feet high there!
5-0 to Japan

63 – Red card – Biswas receives the maximum penalty after giving Kubo a nipple cripple behind play.

74 – GOAL and substitution– Inamoto leaves the Indian team squabbling with the referee to post his first and Japan’s sixth.
India really have to concentrate here and the manager brings out Maharishi Mahesh Yogi to restore some tranquillity.
Japan 6 – 0

77 – Near Miss – Indian player, Mandal, manages to hit the post from close range. Unfortunately, the ball was 20 metres away at the time. The trainers come onto the ground to treat him for concussion.

81 – Substitution – India replace fullback Bisht with a cardboard cut-out of Bollywood actor, Saif Ali Khan.

83 – GOAL – Ogasawa takes a shot from long range. I’ll leave you to guess the result.
Japan 7 – 0

90 – 5 Minutes extra time – Captain Bhutia is asking the referee if he can take bad light. The referee takes pity on them and agrees.

Final Score – India 0 – 7 Japan

Thanks for joining us for our coverage and stay cynical,

The Cynical Traveller

1. Shinjuku, Japan

Bob was just an ordinary bus stop. However, one day while waiting for the number 69 bus, Bob was struck by intense cosmic rays.
Bob the ordinary bus stop became…

The extraordinary bus stop!

2. Lima, Peru

Ever wondered where Darth Vader and Obi Wan Kenobi go to chill out? Ever think Luke Skywalker would like to take a few weeks off in the Bahamas? Where does Darth Maul go when he wants to book a fortnight in China to hone his kung fu skills?

Well, for all your Jedi needs, there’s only one travel agent that fits the bill…

3. Shibuya, Japan

It is a well known fact that shopping can cause happiness in certain individuals (my sister being a prime example).
Anthropologist John Lubbock once stated that, “Happiness is a thing to be practiced, like the violin”. In that case, what better way to practice than repeated drills of 3 minutes?
That’s right, 3 minutes of happiness is all you’re allowed at this shop.

Come in number 27, your time is up!

4. Sayama, Japan

This is a chain of ubiquitous discount stores in Japan. Obviously realizing the flaccid nature of the name they chose, the store’s designers have attempted to toughen up its image with the addition of umlauts over the R.

Mission accomplished!

5. Merida, Mexico

There is a general consensus in hospitality, that if your premises smell like an arse, it is best not to advertise the fact. However, prevailing wisdom has never found much support in Mexico and hence the proprietors of this establishment are quite happy not only to display its shortcomings, but to use them as a selling point.

6. Delhi, India

I’m sure many of you have read Lewis Carroll’s classic novel, “Alice in Wonderland.
In the now famous story, Alice comes across a piece of cake labeled “eat me” which grows her to enormous size, and a bottle labeled “drink me” which shrinks her to tiny size.
Well, maybe you have been wondering what Alice did with the bottle after she had drunk the contents. Did she throw it away like a filthy little litterbug.

Of course not, she used one of these…

7. Taipei, Taiwan

This one’s on my main site, but I just can’t resist using it again. So much more than a clothing store!

8. Hoi An, Vietnam

It is well known that in some south east Asian restaurants, the menu is treated more as a guideline than an exact facsimile of the food you’ll receive. However, kudos to this one restaurant owner in Vietnam for describing exactly what you get.

9. Danang, Vietnam

Even HIV is no match for the power of condom man!

10. Nakano, Japan

In 1972 a crack aquatic unit was sent to seaworld by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit.

These fish promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Pacific underground.

Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as sailors of fortune.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…

Stay Cynical,

The Cynical Traveller

Kabuki is one of those quintessential Japanese arts. It is an artform steeped in tradition and it has a long and glorious history. Which is rather a shame really, as it is so boring.

For those of you unfamiliar with kabuki, it is basically a traditional Japanese play. All the parts are played by men and the actors wear white makeup. Just why they wear white makeup is something of a mystery. There are several theories, but the main one is that it’s so the crowd can’t recognise them afterwards and beat the hell out of them.

Indeed, during the performance, it is accepted for the crowd to shout out to the performers. Fortunately, they are somewhat more civilised than in Australia, and thus there are no cries of “Saito’s a wanker” for the actors to deal with.

In order to heighten the sense of culture you’ll receive from reading about Kabuki, I have decided to write this week’s entry entirely in Haiku.

My trip to Kabuki

I wake up very early
Today is the kabuki
I don’t want to go

Today the play is
Something about samurai
But then, aren’t they all?

At the theatre I
Have to buy an English tape
Five hundred yen gone

The lights are dimming
Our seats are in the middle
The curtain raises

Men with white faces
Screeching in high pitched voices
Just shut the hell up

Talking Japanese
What the hell is going on?
This tape is useless

“Blah blah samurai”
“Blah blah restore my honour”
“Blah blah secret plan”

Walking through the wood
He meets an old man sitting
Tape says, “he’s a lord”

They just keep talking
Isn’t he a samurai?
Don’t they ever fight?

The intermission
A brief break from the boredom
All escapes are blocked

Back in the theatre
We’re told there was a battle
It was in the break!

I can’t believe it
The one cool thing to happen
We don’t get to see

Some guy keeps shouting
Encouraging the actors
I’d rather throw fruit

I’m falling asleep
Will this thing ever finish?
Can I go home now?

Ninety minutes in
It’s like a form of torture
My brain has shut down

Finally it’s over
“And what was it like?” you ask
It was utterly…

Damn, I’ve run out of syllables.

In keeping with tradition however, I’d like to invite you all to only comment in haiku.

Stay lyrical,

The cynical traveller

(Oh, and there will be a Peru update appearing on my main site sometime in the next couple of weeks.)