Growing up in the late seventies and early eighties, I, like most kids where I lived, discovered the wonders of the Kung fu film. From the ripped abs and piercing screams of Bruce Lee, then into the comic slapstick of Jackie Chan, and finally the fatuous bullshit of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, my house resonated with the sounds of slapped watermelons and badly dubbed English.

As a child I tested my martial arts skills by pulling apart my mothers vacuum cleaner and swinging the pipes around, or putting the mattress from my bed against the wall and giving it a thorough kicking.

My will was iron, my punch was fire and my movements were like a tiger. Then I got in a fight and had my head smashed in by a kid five year older than me and I decided computers were much more interesting than Kung fu.

Despite my new found apathy, one name always resonated throughout the world of Kung Fu; “Shaolin”.

These were the men of legend. They could fly using only an umbrella and could break steel girders using only their testicles. The could climb walls like Spiderman and swing swords with such force that they would bend like they were made of some harmless metal like tin, rather than the hardened steel we all knew them to be. And so, when the opportunity arose, I leaped like young and slightly fat Jackie Chan at the chance to visit Shaolin monastery.

And now, for those of you without my Kung Fu knowledge, the Cynical Traveller Presents… The Kung Fu Styles

Scorpion Style – A style of Kung Fu that gives you the best chance of kicking yourself in the back of the head

Snake style – One of the most versatile styles, as it can be used to attack or to dance to “Walk like an Egyptian”

Northern Boxing – Boxing from the North

Southern Boxing – Similar to Northern boxing, but from the south

Eastern Mosh Pit – As seen on WWE

Western Waiter – Serving suggestion only.

Constipated monkey – For really large bowel movements.

Next week – A full Kung Fu Glossary

This entry was posted on Monday, June 28th, 2010 at 8:17 pm and is filed under Around China, Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.