Deadly locals, terrible weather and high prices make Scotland the irresistible holiday destination.

Deep fried fish and chips, deep fried haggis, deep fried mars bars….

Pretty bloody good because I was the one who had to clean them! Certainly better than the one in “Trainspotting”


Question: What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
Answer: I don’t know, but you get a damn good kicking if you try to find out.

I love Scotland. I lived there for a year, working in a hostel. I was rewarded for my long stay with one of the most phenomenal stretches of sunny weather in the country’s history, spanning almost two weeks!

While most travelers will rave about Edinburgh, I preferred the more down to Earth charms of Glasgow. The locals are so friendly. They love nothing more than to join you for a beer or cigarette, especially the children.

When going out, great care should be taken not to mention football or religion. If you do, you won’t be enjoying the “night life” so much as a “light knife”.

In winter, the high latitude of Scotland means that night falls very quickly, and as early as 3pm in Glasgow, it’s hard to see anything on the dimly lit streets. Trust me, this is a blessing!

During the year I was in Scotland, most of my time was spent living in Inverness, on the banks of mighty Loch Ness. For all you monster hunters out there, I’m afraid the only glimpses of Nessie were the stuffed furry toys on sale in most shops. However, I do have numerous fuzzy, out of focus pictures which could be submitted as proof of its existence.

After traveling for quite a while, I finally ran out of money in Glasgow. Fortunately, this put me on the same financial standing as most of the locals. I ended up getting a job working for a place called parcel force.

My intellectually stimulating job involved throwing boxes on the back of a truck, and I do mean throwing. This job has led me never to bother writing “fragile” on a package again.

Now, I must confess, I wasn’t particularly brilliant at even this simple job, simply for the fact that I couldn’t understand the foreman’s instructions.

If you’ve ever watched Star Trek, even the universal translator wouldn’t be able to decipher the Glaswegian accent. Babel fish have curled up and died in the attempt.

There were bonuses to this job however. My walk back to my hostel at 3am took in some of Glasgow’s less salubrious areas, i.e. anywhere outside.

The cry of the Glaswegian street walker is, “do you want some business”. My insistence that I would love a modest import / export business dealing in Greek antiquities was not well received.
 
In this obviously doctored photograph of Scotland, someone has photoshopped in a piece of blue sky
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

5,054,800 (2005)
Edinburgh

The British Pound

A$1 = 0.33pence (1/3 of a haggis)

1998 - 1999
Most of it
2 Mostly in Glasgow. Fortunately, the dogs were less inclined to bite than some of the locals.

0.4 Ouch! Thank god for Tesco's £2.99 bordeaux.