Ladies and Gentlemen! Russia’s favourite love machine!

There must be times when a life of travel seems glamorous. Certainly to those who have never left their own area code, jets must seem more exciting than cars, and a dose of yellow fever more exotic than some rubbish old flu.

(Not so) Recently, when booking my ticket to Russia, I was given the option of choosing between two airlines, both at similar prices. I could choose to fly with either China Eastern or Emirates airlines. China Eastern would be direct to Moscow, while Emirates would necessitate a stopover in Dubai.

There were two factor influencing my decision. The first was that I had already flown China Eastern and the only in flight entertainment was watching the stewardess try to get the passengers to sit down for landing. The second consideration was that I actually wanted to see Dubai.

After all, Dubai had the Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest building. And it had…… um….oil and…. sand and……. stuff.

The building for men so small even a Ferrari won't compensate

In hindsight, I should have been slightly more jaded after a previous visit to neighbouring Qatar (site of the 2022 world cup). On that visit, I had a 6 hour stopover, walked from the airport to the centre of the city, saw all the interesting sites, and then walked back to the airport with four hours still remaining before my flight.

Dubai however, conjures up images of limitless wealth spent extravagantly: of Aston Martin cars, luxury yachts and solid gold poodle slippers.

Not content with The World's Tallest Building, Dubai takes delivery of The World's Largest Chess Piece

So, with a budget consisting of around 12 cents, I was somewhat worried that I might be refused entry by the poverty sniffer dogs. Fortunately, I wasn’t the only poor person in Dubai. I was just the only one who wasn’t doing construction or driving a taxi.

Dubai was surprisingly cheap. Or at least the kind of things I’m interested in were surprisingly cheap. And the reason for this is that; being unable to afford an Aston Martin, and uninterested in gaudy designer bullshit, the sum total of things I was interested in spending money on in Dubai amounted to 2: taxis and food.

An artist's impression of the Dubai rich after the oil runs out

The former are plentiful and cheap. The latter is also plentiful. However, with Dubai being about as pedestrian friendly as a level of Super Mario Brothers, it is difficult to find local specialties, which leaves you dining at the malls and their ubiquitous American chain restaurants.

Unfortunately, these restaurants haven’t embraced cultural diversity and released the Bacon Haraamburger (look it up).

While it is admittedly a Hallalic experience to see a burger disappear into a burqa, after the hundredth time it loses some of the mystique.

I'm Lovin' It - Within the bounds of dutiful matrimony as dictated to the holy prophet Mohammed from the almighty Allah, obviously

The thing that surprised me the most was the number of foreign girls running around in short shorts and tight tank tops. A friend, who lives in Abu Dhabi, has assured me that everyone in a while there is a crack down on such proclivities. I certainly saw lots of cracks down, but none of them involved the police.

Anyway, Dubai is simultaneously as glamorous and soulless as a musical number at the end of a talent show. And I enjoyed it about as much.

Russia is full of hotties enjoying the sunshine in micro swimsuits.

Of course it’s not all good news…

Well ladies and gentlemen, as promised about 6 9 15 months ago, I will now compile a Kung Fu glossary.
3 Piece Staff – A staff split into three pieces. Basically nunchucks with a spare tyre.

The whip – A weapon of such speed that it can strike an opponent before the wielder even realises he’s torn his own eye out.

Tai Ji - The kung fu spirit. Tai Ji allows you to do some amazing things… It lets you throw a needle through a glass pane, break metal bars over your head or stab yourself in the throat with a spear. Basically all the skills you need to survive a Saturday night out in a country pub.

One inch punch – the amount of fruity alcoholic drink left over after a particularly successful party.

The eighteen hands of Lohan – a series of kung fu exercises that allow the practitioner to simultaneously sing, act, drive, drink alcohol, take drugs and steal jewellery. Has since been surplanted by the “eighteen holes of Hilton” technique. (I assure you, this joke was quite relevant when I wrote it 18 months ago – less so now).

Fa Jing – the five elements. Unlike the West, the Asians believed in 5 elements. These are: water, air, fire, sand and tapioca.

Gong (kung) – The Chinese word for “exercises”

Fu – The Chinese word for “designed to help you beat the living shit out of people you hate”

A full solar eclipse in Ningbo. The locals had heard about not directly staring at the sun, so most of them were looking through special glasses, although one lady was looking through x-ray transparencies.